Complicated ME

Sometimes i wonder about the things i can do
what about all those chances i miss?
the time when opportunities stood in front of me
but then i step back, face down in misery

why do i do the things i do?
why don't i do the things i should do?
why do i restrict myself from doing it?
what make me strong?
and what makes me weak?
what makes me consistent?
what makes me gives up?

these are questions running through my thoughts
whenever there is a storm in my heart
whether its a feeling i have for life or just for a moment
it becomes significant since its MINE

i wonder wonder and wonder again...

can i blame others for my mistakes?
should i blame them for not being supportive?
am i the only who feels like this?
or does everybody also feels the same?

i wonder what runs through your minds
when you decide something and i decide the other
when i thought of something but you thought of the other
sometimes i feel so alien
other time i just thought that i am lonely

can anyone understand this being called "me"?
her heart have dark places that even she haven't discover
at the same time the bright places is a dangerous glare
her range of emotions is near bipolar
she is clueless of most of the things,even the closest one to her

am i to be blame?
are they to be blame?
who are to be blame?
it this is a test?
should i still be questioning?
am i wrong?
can i undo it?

i'm not saying i hate myself
not even near to saying i wanted to be someone else
even if God were to give me an exchange
i would want to stay the same
not to be anyone else

its just that there are these questions
its rhetorical, no need for your answer
the questions i ask Allah
i ask and ask....
and i will keep asking....
because only Allah understands...
this complicated being called ME
and only Allah can answer these questions

so leave me in my own "beautiful mind"
whether you can accept it or not
whether its pathological or not
somehow somewhere
i play a role in this world
even how small it is....
i do believe it
that in a way
i am special
if i'm not...
i wouldn't...
be here...
today....